What to Know About the ‘Hotwifing’ Kink in Open Relationships

6 min read

SEVERAL YEARS BACK, I met a woman at a sex party who attended with a lover. He was not her husband, but her husband did know him and approve of him. Turns out, she was a “hotwife.”

In the ethically non-monogamous (ENM) community, this term describes “a married woman who has been given permission by her committed partner (usually but not exclusively her husband) to actively seek out and enjoy sex with other men for the mutual erotic pleasure of both partners,” says Anna Richards, sex educator and founder of the erotic ethical porn site FrolicMe. “Sometimes, her husband is included in the action by watching or even taking part in a threesome. Other times, the husband can be elsewhere waiting to share in the details later.” While the term does imply specific gender roles, the behavior itself is customizable to suit any couple’s needs.

The hotwife dynamic may appeal to couples for a variety of reasons, says Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., a sexologist and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. These reasons include compersion (deriving pleasure from a partner’s pleasure), subversion (defying social norms around monogamy), intimacy (exploring a new side of themselves, their partner, and even their partner’s lover), and power (knowing their partner is desired by others and still chose them).

So, what does hotwifing actually look like in practice?

FIRST AND FOREMOST, couples interested in hotwifing should talk about this sexual dynamic and the impact it could have it on their relationship. O’Reilly suggests asking each other the following questions to decide if this form of ethical non-monogamy is right for you:

• What about the idea of hotwifing turns you on?
• Do you have any specific hotwifing fantasies?
• Do you have any concerns about this dynamic?

These aren’t the only questions you can ask each other, but they should help you start to figure out what hotwifing might look like in your relationship. For some couples, hotwifing overlaps with cuckolding—where a man watches his wife have sex with another man. In other partnerships, the husband may not necessarily watch the wife have sex with her other lover(s), says O’Reilly, preferring those encounters happen in private. And still other couples may enjoy role-playing or dirty-talking about a hotwife encounter over actually involving someone else, Richards adds.

Once you’ve agreed on how you’re going to approach this kink as a couple, go out and give it a try. Then, “debrief after new encounters to ensure you both feel safe and cared for,” O’Reilly says. “When things go well, you can use the conversation and memories to fuel excitement and connection. If things don’t go well, you can share insights, offer support, and discuss how you might do things differently in the future. Be realistic about expectations; they won’t always be met, so take the pressure off as you explore for all types of pleasure—emotional, relational, practical, physical, erotic, etc.”

What are the benefits of hotwifing?

DUE TO THE taboo nature of hotwifing, this dynamic can be very arousing for both people. For the male partner, it’s “humiliating, emasculating—or it can be—because other hot men see their wife as attractive, all of which have different varieties of arousal and can certainly bring spice into a marriage,” says Moushumi Ghose, LMFT, a licensed sex therapist and the founder and clinical director at Los Angeles Sex Therapy. Meanwhile, the female partner gets to enjoy “a lot of power to go and hook up, have relations, and dalliances with other people as she desires,” Ghose adds.

In the hotwife dynamic, who holds the power?

AGAIN, IT DEPENDS on the individual couple and how they’ve agreed to enact this arrangement. “A hotwife can act out a submissive role in satisfying her dominant husband’s desires to share her with other men or by following his instructions to submit herself to them and to please them,” says Richards. “Another variation at the cuckolding end of the spectrum is the idea of hotwifing within the construct of a female-led relationship or FLR, which is the simple idea of a relationship in which a woman has more power.”

That said, hotwifing can have troubling implications when the husband is the one calling all the shots on who his wife is allowed to play with, says Claudia Aguirre, cofounder of Luxury Lifestyle Vacations, a travel brand curating fantasy-like travel experiences for the sex-positive traveler. “Some men [who are] into the cuckold/hotwife lifestyle give the impression that they are a whole lot less interested in their wives’ sexual freedom and much more into choreographing their own pleasure,” she explains. “And, in some instances, a wife may not enjoy being a character in her husband’s scripts.”

Obviously, that is not a healthy power dynamic. But when the hot wife enjoys being a hot wife (which she should!), partners can share power and can engage in this lifestyle with plenty of gusto, says Pepe Aguirre, cofounder and CEO of Luxury Lifestyle Vacations.

Where are all the hothusbands?

WHILE IT’S LESS common, there is such a thing as hothusbanding—the reverse of hotwifing. There’s also such a thing as “cuckqueans,” which is the female equivalent of cuckolds. “There are many women who enjoy seeing their husband with another woman and find it to be a tremendous turn-on,” says Marla Renee Stewart, a certified sexologist and owner of Velvet Lips, a sexuality education company. “It’s probably more common than we think.” It may not be as popular as hotwifing because many women feel competitive with other women, says Stewart, but when women can move past this socialization, they’re often surprised to find that they enjoy it.

Daniel Saynt, founder of the New Society for Wellness pleasure community, has seen a few women who enjoy passing their male partners around at his events and elsewhere. These women tend to “believe their husbands have magical cocks,” he says. They often say things like “You need to try him; you need to try my husband—he’s so good at fucking; you need to experience him.”

This happens most in “play communities,” like sex parties “where the women are the ones leading the sexual experience,” Saynt adds. “They act like a wing woman for their husbands.” While the practice is very similar to hotwifing, according to Saynt, the wives tend to be more selective in terms of who they allow to have sex with their husbands. But that’s not why he considers hothusbands a rare breed. “It’s not rare to find a woman who’s sexually liberated enough,” Saynt says. “It’s rare to find a husband who’s hot enough to be worth that.”

O’Reilly’s theory as to why we don’t often hear about hot husbands is that “we live in a culture that values women for being physically attractive (usually according to specific patriarchal Eurocentric standards),” she explains. “Masculinity is tied to resources, and women are often treated as a resource. It follows that it can be affirming for men to know that their wife or partner is attractive to others. That’s not to say that those who enjoy hotwifing are doing it only for affirmation or to reinforce masculinity. And I certainly would not suggest that men who enjoy hot-wifing universally see their partners as a resource—many of these relationships are rooted in mutual care, love and respect; gender roles are deeply ingrained in our culture.”

Can hotwife be a problematic term?

ONCE AGAIN, IT depends on the dynamic (noticing a pattern here?). Some people prefer the term “open marriage,” as it indicates that all parties are equal and have control, according to Claudia Aguirre. That said, people are allowed to use whatever sexy terms they want, as long as everyone in the arrangement is on board.

So when it comes to this term, it’s really what you make of it. If you love it, go ahead and use it. It’s your life and your relationship. Everyone enjoys different sexual dynamics and is entitled to play out those fantasies as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult.