Mom group dynamics can be challenging to navigate. While these social circles are designed to offer built-in support from people who are going through new life changes like you are, they’re notorious for fostering petty drama—as evidenced (and described) by a certain celebrity making waves on the internet right now.
High School Musical alum Ashley Tisdale French recently wrote an essay for The Cut where she broke down exactly why she left her “toxic” mom group, citing being left out of hangouts and feeling like there was a “high school” vibe. Tisdale also found that the group had a “pattern” of leaving people out. “That someone had become me. Why me? The truth is, I don’t know and I probably never will,” she said. This all started with an essay Tisdale wrote about the topic in December on her own blog. “Mom groups can turn toxic,” she wrote. “Not because the moms themselves are toxic people, but because the dynamic shifts into an ugly place with mean-girl behavior.”
Tisdale’s The Cut essay unleashed a new wave of commentary from “sources”—and even Hilary Duff’s husband Matthew Koma—about why the actress was excluded. (Koma seemingly referred to Tisdale as “tone deaf” and “self-obsessed.”) But regardless of what happened in this case—which is technically none of our business—it’s a talking point that many moms can relate to.
“We all care about connection, and we’re looking to be accepted; mom groups can help or hurt with that,” Thea Gallagher, PsyD, clinical associate professor at NYU Langone Health and cohost of the Mind in View podcast, tells SELF. “We tell ourselves that this need for acceptance only matters in high school, but that’s silly. We can still get our feelings hurt.”
Before we dive into the signs your mom group isn’t a good fit for you, Dr. Gallagher recommends keeping a few important things in mind. “Relationships are challenging, and they will go through seasons of life,” she says. “A lot of times, there is work that can be done.” Meaning you don’t need to throw in the towel right away if you’re not all-in with your mom group these days. It’s possible that relationships can be salvaged to bring you and your crew even closer.
Gail Saltz, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine, agrees. “I would not suggest quickly giving up these friends who are not easily replaced,” she tells SELF.
One more thing to consider, per Dr. Gallagher: Perception is everything. “Sometimes we think things are more calculated than they really are,” she says. “These get-togethers can happen on a whim, and it’s important to not assume you were intentionally excluded.” Not only that: Dr. Saltz says it’s possible that you could be projecting internal feelings onto the group. “Most new moms already overly harshly judge themselves. In addition, it doesn’t take much to feel judged by others,” she says. “Some may be true, but some may be a projection of your own self-judgment.”
If you feel loved and supported by your mom group, more power to you. But if you’re unsure of how your mom group is serving you, it’s fair to wonder if you should walk away. All of that said, these are the biggest signs that therapists flag.
1. There’s a lot of gossip.
There’s a reason why gossip is contagious—it’s fun and builds a point of connection between people. But there’s a big difference between talking about Taylor Swift’s reported wedding plans and having negative conversations about another member of the group or a mutual acquaintance. “If there’s a lot of gossip that doesn’t make you feel good, that’s worth considering,” Dr. Gallagher says.
2. You don’t feel like yourself in the group.
It’s normal to showcase different sides of yourself in various social situations, Tamar Gur, MD, PhD, director of the Sarah Ross Soter Women’s Health Research Program at the Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, tells SELF. “But when you find yourself not being able to bring your whole self to the table, or you edit everything you say, that’s really a red flag that you should think about departing,” she says.
3. Your values don’t align.
Motherhood can be a powerful shared experience that connects women from different walks of life. While you can absolutely have a connection with fellow moms based on that alone, Dr. Gallagher points out that different values can be difficult to navigate over time. Those values can be based on a range of topics, from politics to simply what you feel is most important in life.
4. You’re craving something deeper.
Being a mom can be an all-encompassing experience, but not everyone wants to discuss the ins and outs of motherhood 24/7. “You may not want to talk about the PTA the whole time you’re together,” Dr. Gallagher notes. “And it’s OK if you don’t.”
5. You’re in a different phase of life.
Every person has their own life outside of motherhood, and that can influence how you feel about the group and its dynamics. “If you’re going through a divorce, it may be hard to be around friends who are not,” Dr. Gallagher says. “You just simply may not be able to relate, or certain conversations may be difficult for you. You also may want to find more people who are focusing on the same struggles you’re dealing with.”
6. You can’t stop thinking about the way your mom group makes you feel.
Mom groups are designed to be fun and supportive, but that’s not the experience for everyone. Feelings that you’re being left out or unsupported in your group can be hard to shake. “If you find that you’re thinking or talking about this a lot, that’s important to pay attention to,” Dr. Gallagher says.
There are a few different steps you can take next.
It’s important to remember that you don’t have to be in a mom group, but Dr. Gallagher recommends making a few moves before you fully cut ties if you still could see yourself spending time with these people.
The first is to take some time to think about your own actions in the group. “Make sure you’re not doing the things you want others to avoid when it comes to you,” Dr. Gallagher says. “Did you invite everyone all the time, or were some people left out when you made plans too?”
Dr. Gallagher also suggests speaking up before simply dropping the group. “Make sure you have the tough conversations, and be vulnerable,” she says. “Say that you felt left out.” You can have this talk with the person you feel closest to in the mom group, or even a few people that you’ve felt hurt by, Dr. Gallagher says. “Just be vulnerable versus accusing,” she says. Say something like, “I felt hurt when I realized everyone went to your child’s birthday party but me,” instead of, “You intentionally didn’t invite me to your child’s birthday party.” If you simply drop people in the group without warning—or at least before trying to repair things first—it can foster even more drama, Dr. Gallagher says.
Dr. Gur admits that this is a “very difficult thing to navigate,” but suggests going about it in a way that reflects how you’d want to be treated if you were on the other end. Blocking everyone on social media and ghosting them is not the way to go, she says. “That is not serving your ultimate goal if it’s to be yourself and to be surrounded by people who energize you,” she says.
Still, sometimes things just don’t work out. “If you feel like you’ve tried and you’re continuously not accepted, or if you just don’t feel good after hanging out, slowly walk away,” Dr. Gallagher says. That can mean accepting less invitations over time or being slow to respond to the group chat before finally stepping back. If someone asks why you’re not more present in the group, Dr. Gur says you can simply tell them that it’s hard to be as involved these days. “You can say, ‘I’m sorry that I caught you off guard, but I’m doing my best to balance everything right now,’” she says.
Overall, Dr. Gallagher says it’s important to remember that relationships can change over time. “I just encourage people to believe the best about other people’s motives,” she says. “A lot of people are not toxic.”
Related:
- My Ex-Friend Keeps Bad-Mouthing Me. What Do I Do?
- No, You Don’t Need to Have a ‘Best’ Friend
- The ‘Contrarian Friend’ Is Real—and They’re Driving Everyone Crazy
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