You May be ‘Microcheating’ on Your Partner Without Even Knowing It

6 min read

Long gone are the days when cheating was as easy to spot as a lipstick smudge on a shirt collar. In 2026, infidelity often takes the smaller, yet nonetheless shitty, form of “microcheating.” It could be a borderline flirty text to a colleague or check-ins with an old “friend” that start out innocently enough, but slowly replace the ones happening at home. Essentially, “microcheating is any kind of ‘dancing around the edges’ behavior,” says Lauren LaRusso, L.P.C., L.M.H.C., a psychotherapist specializing in affairs and the author of Beyond Infidelity. “It’s the kind of behavior that still gives you excitement and a sense of vitality about a connection with another person—without feeling like you’re truly breaking any relationship rules or boundaries.”

It’s worth noting that what one couple might call microcheating, another may consider fair game. For example, many people don’t consider watching pornography a form of microcheating, but some do. What’s specifically off limits depends on your personal and relational boundaries, but generally speaking, some of the most common microcheating behaviors include:

• Not mentioning your relationship status when you meet someone new
• Exchanging phone numbers or social media and sending overly interested or flirty DMs or texts
• Sexting or sending suggestive photos, even without meeting in person
• Flirting in person with someone else
• Following models on social media and consistently liking or commenting on their content
• Keeping an active dating profile, even if you’re not using it

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How Microcheating Differs From Having an Emotional Affair

Microcheating and emotional affairs are often grouped together, but they aren’t the same. Rather, think of microcheating as the appetizer and an emotional affair as the main course. “Emotional affairs consist of deeper emotionally intimate relationships between people,” says Sarah Hensley, Ph.D., a social psychologist, relationship coach, and founder of The Love Doc. “Usually, these are ongoing for quite a while–it’s essentially a romantic relationship that hasn’t turned sexual…yet.” Meanwhile, microcheating tends to be fleeting—and deniable—bursts of excitement, flirtation, and attention.

Although each instance of microcheating may be short-lived, over time, it can develop into an unhealthy pattern of behavior. “Sometimes, a person has been microcheating for ten or twenty years, and it takes that long for them to transgress the relationship fully [because] they’ve sold themselves on a story that what they were doing wasn’t harmful,” says LaRusso, who sees this behavior all the time in her practice. “[But] microcheating is harmful to relationships because it signals personal and relational vulnerability.”

Why People Microcheat

The reasons people microcheat aren’t all that different from why people engage in physical or emotional infidelity, says Hensley. “It could be because they aren’t getting their needs met in their current relationship, because they have narcissistic tendencies, or a self-concept built on shame,” meaning they rely on external validation to feel worthy or desirable.

But many people aren’t even conscious of what’s driving them to microcheat because they don’t even realize they’re doing it. “People commonly tell themselves they’re not doing anything wrong,” says LaRusso. “Oftentimes, a person at the microcheating stage isn’t actually telling themselves anything, as to do so would require an awareness that their behavior is problematic.”

If they do reconsider their actions, it’s usually with thoughts like, ‘I only texted her because I had a work question–it’s not my fault the conversation kept going,’ or ‘I wasn’t hiding anything, I just didn’t think it was worth mentioning.’ Other microcheaters may know they’re making choices that leave themselves open in a way they shouldn’t, but they’re enjoying it and telling themselves they’re in control of the situation, adds Hensley.

How to Tell if You’re Microcheating

The clearest test is transparency, says LaRusso: “If your partner wouldn’t like to read or see what you are doing—or it would cause an argument or issue in your relationship if they did—you’re likely lying to yourself that what you’re doing isn’t harmful.” In other words, microcheating isn’t always about intent; it’s also about impact.

If you’re still unsure whether you’re crossing a line into microcheating territory, ask yourself:

• Would I be comfortable showing my partner this message or digital interaction without editing or explaining?
• Am I minimizing it because “nothing physical happened”?
• Am I seeking external validation or excitement because I’m not getting it at home?

Recognizing these patterns should serve as a wake-up call. “Be honest with yourself about the feelings you’re having inside, the thoughts they’re leading to, and the behaviors you’re choosing as a result.” says LaRusso. “When you can deal with what microcheating is showing you, and meet it head on, you’re less likely to lead yourself down a road you can’t return.”

How to Tell if Your Partner is Microcheating

Having access to your partner’s digital footprint may offer clues, but microcheating isn’t always happening behind a screen. When it shows up in real life, the signs are often more subtle. One common indicator is “lying by omission,” says LaRusso. “For example, they didn’t tell you their new colleague they keep working closely with is of the opposite sex (if they’re heterosexual), or they didn’t tell you until afterward that the work party was at a bar and there was an afterparty.”

In healthy relationships, sharing this kind of day-to-day context is normal. So, if your partner repeatedly withholds details, becomes defensive, or seems unusually guarded about interactions that wouldn’t typically be a big deal, it may be a sign it’s time for a serious conversation.

How to Deal with Microcheating in Your Relationship

One of the biggest issues with microcheating is how easily it can be minimized after the fact. Without clear communication around boundaries and expectations, it’s all too easy for one person to feel like their partner crossed a line only to have them dismiss, and inevitably repeat, that behavior. But “if something doesn’t feel good to you, it’s important you bring it up,” says Hensley.

Broach the topic when you’re both in a calm state of mind (a.k.a. not immediately after you’ve discovered the microcheating) and can have an open and honest conversation. “Discuss the expectation of the relationship, and be clear about how and why it transgressed,” says LaRusso. From there, “it’s important to hold that hard boundary, and make it clear what you need to feel safe to come closer again,” adds Hensley.

If you’re the one who microcheated, defensiveness and justification can quickly derail the repair process. “Practice empathy instead of being defensive, and pause to consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed,” says LaRusso.

Ultimately, whether your relationship can be mended or not is deeply personal and varies from couple to couple. But the microcheater has to want to change their behavior—and make that change stick. “If someone is repeatedly flirtatious or microcheating, they likely have boundary issues that are showing you a pattern,” says Hensley.

To rebuild trust, it’s not just about adhering to the boundaries you set as a couple; it’s also about living up to the standard you set yourself. “Always be above reproach in your romantic relationships,” Hensley says. “That means you don’t do anything that would make your partner question your loyalty to them.”