7 min read
I ONCE DATED a guy who seemed pretty perfect… for a while, anyway. We laughed at each other’s jokes and shared similar hobbies. He was attentive on dates, and I was always looking forward to his texts. Then, one day, he stopped responding. No explanation, no heads-up–nothing.
I was left confused, overthinking every interaction, wondering what I had done wrong, even worrying that he might be in the hospital and unable to reply. After days just hopelessly staring at my phone, I logged back into the dating app where we’d first connected–only to find he’d unmatched me. Months later, after I’d finally shaken off the sting of his disappearance, he slid into my DMs with a soft, ‘Hey, it’s been too long. I miss you,’ as if nothing had ever happened.
If you’re one of the many enduring today’s brutal dating scene, chances are you’ve been there too. Someone goes silent for weeks, leaving you hurt and overanalyzing every moment, only for them to pop back up nonchalantly. You get that ‘Hey stranger’ message, maybe coupled with a vague excuse like, ‘Work’s just been crazy.’ But if you respond by asking about their disappearing act, they deny it ever happened. Sound familiar? Congratulations, you’ve been ghostlit.
In 2025, ghosting—when someone suddenly stops all communication without explanation—is nothing new. In fact, 84 percent of Gen Z and Millennials said they’ve been ghosted in a 2023 survey. Neither is gaslighting, despite its recent popularity (it was Merriam–Webster’s 2022 Word of the Year). The term comes from the 1944 movie Gaslight, in which a husband uses dimming gaslights, and other psychological tricks, to convince his wife that she is going insane. More broadly, gaslighting is an “insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse repeated over time,” where the abuser leads the target to question their judgment, their reality, and in—extreme cases—their own sanity, Robin Stern, Ph.D., a licensed psychoanalyst and author of The Gaslight Effect and The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide previously told Men’s Health.
So what happens when ghosting and gaslighting collide? Well, my friends, that unfortunate fusion has a name: ghostlighting. And it’s officially entered the chat.
THE LATEST TOXIC dating trend combines all the worst parts of ghosting and gaslighting into one confusing emotional rollercoaster. “Ghostlighting is when someone disappears without explanation, and then later tries to rewrite the story to make it seem like you misunderstood what happened,” says
Kyler Shumway, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder/CEO of Time for Therapy
. “The person not only withdraws, but also attempts to distort reality afterward, often saying things like, ‘You’re overreacting,’ or ‘I never said we were serious,’ even when their behavior clearly suggests otherwise.”
The difference between being ghosted and ghostlit comes down to what happens when the silence ends. “You know you’re being ghostlit when you encounter that person again, and they refuse to take accountability for ghosting you,” says Morgenstern. “They make excuses that either blame you or sound generic and don’t take any responsibility. When you’re ghosted, you simply don’t hear from them again—and if you do, they’ll at least acknowledge their actions.”
Why Ghostlighting Happens
WHAT ACTUALLY DRIVES someone to ghostlight? It’s easy to assume they’re playing a game of calculated manipulation, but it’s not always intentional or malicious. Oftentimes, this behavior is a form of emotional avoidance. “Most people who ghostlight aren’t setting out to be cruel,” says Shumway. “They’re usually trying to protect themselves from discomfort, guilt, or shame. Ending things honestly requires vulnerability and emotional maturity—and not everyone has those skills.”
For those who struggle with confrontation or don’t want to be seen as the “bad guy,” ghosting can feel like the easy—and perhaps only—way out. So when they reappear and try to downplay their disappearing act, it’s typically an attempt to manage their own guilt. “By convincing themselves that you were the one who misunderstood, they avoid facing how their behavior actually affected you,” Shumway says. But whatever the motive, the outcome is the same: Ghostlighting erodes trust and leaves the other person questioning their own reality. Understanding why it happens can help you make sense of this behavior, but it doesn’t excuse it.
Despite its deservedly bad rep, ghostlighting has only grown more common in recent years due to “a consistent rise in the lack of accountability in dating,” says New York-based matchmaker and dating expert Anna Morgenstern. “Before dating apps and social media, it was considered bad form not to break up with someone in person. But now, technology lets people hide from difficult conversations.”
Signs You’re Being Ghostlit
ANYONE CAN FALL victim to ghostlighting, but ironically, “the people who are naturally empathetic, loyal, or anxious in relationships” tend to be most vulnerable, says Shumway. “They try to see the best in others and give them the benefit of the doubt, which unfortunately makes them easy targets.”
What’s worse: Giving a ghostlighter the benefit of the doubt can lead you to doubt, well, everything else. “That kind of self-doubt affects not only how you see others, but how you see yourself,” says Shumway. “Many people start blaming themselves or feeling embarrassed for caring, which makes them more cautious and guarded in future relationships.”
The long-term effects can chip away at your confidence, vulnerability, and trust in others, which is why it’s important to recognize the signs early. Not every disappearing act or miscommunication means you’re being ghostlit, but if the pattern below feels familiar, it might be time to take a closer look. Here’s what to watch out for, according to our experts:
1. Their actions don’t match their words.
They told you they were really into you and loved spending time with you; then, they disappeared. Next thing you know, they’re back and brush it off with an, ‘I just got busy, and I think you did too.’ Not only is this mismatch between what they say and what they do cruelly confusing, but often the first sign that something’s off.
2. They refuse to take responsibility.
When you bring up their disappearance, they change the subject, gloss over it, or twist the story. “Deflection is a common tool to avoid answering a question you know you’re guilty of,” says Morgenstern. “That’s a clear red flag they’re ghostlighting you.”
3. They turn the blame back on you.
Another hallmark move? They make it seem like you’re the one who caused the distance. Maybe they say you misread things, or you came on too strong. “A red flag is when they quickly try to turn the situation around to make you look like the one who was wrong,” says Morgenstern. This reversal keeps them from feeling guilt—and keeps you doubting your own perception.
4. They minimize or rewrite what happened.
When someone says things like, ‘I didn’t ghost you, we just stopped talking,’ or ‘You’re overreacting,’ they’re reframing reality to make their behavior sound reasonable. It’s sometimes a subtle move, but it’s enough to make you second-guess your own memory of events.
5. You’re left feeling confused or unstable.
Ultimately, the biggest red flag isn’t in what they say or do; it’s in how you feel afterward. If every interaction leaves you more confused, anxious, or questioning your reality than the last time, take note. “The key is to slow down and look at the evidence, rather than relying only on emotion or assumption,” says Shumway. “Ask yourself: Do their actions match their words? Does what they’re saying actually make sense? Are both of you taking responsibility, or is one person being made to carry all the blame?”
How To Respond To Ghostlighting
SO, YOU’VE BEEN ghostlit—now what?
First, recognize that your caring nature and willingness to build a relationship isn’t a flaw; it’s your superpower. The goal isn’t to harden your heart or match the other person’s defensiveness, but to get clear on your boundaries so that your kindness remains a strength.
It’s important to remember that when someone resurfaces after ghosting, that doesn’t automatically mean they get to reenter your life. “They need to take full accountability for their actions and provide an explanation,” says Morgenstern. “Let them show you that they’ve changed and that their interest in you is genuine. If you sense they’re trying to manipulate you or aren’t being fully transparent, don’t let them back into your life.”
Unfortunately, most ghostlighters don’t take accountability, says Morgenstern, so it’s best to end things on your terms. “The only person who can truly give you closure is yourself,” she adds. “Remember that you can only control how you respond and react.”
For the record, responding doesn’t mean stooping down to their level or seeking closure that may never come; rather, it’s simply a way to ensure that you’ve communicated your truth clearly. As you consider your response, allow yourself to trust your own experience for what it was, not how the other person spun it. “Trusting yourself doesn’t mean you’re always right,” says Shumway, “It means you take your emotions and observations seriously enough to examine them, notice what serves you and what holds you back, and live life with intention.”
Ultimately, how you respond will likely depend on the specific circumstances surrounding the ghostlighting and what, if anything, you hope to gain from the conversation. But if you’re struggling to find the right words, here are a few expert-approved ways to reply:
From there, focus on self-respect, not self-blame. “It’s easy to turn inward and wonder what you did wrong, but ghostlighting says more about the other person’s comfort with honesty than your worth,” Shumway says. “You can have empathy for them without making excuses for their behavior.”
At the end of the day, the power is yours—not in how they treated you, but in how you choose to move forward.
Annita Katee is a writer and editor covering health, wellness, travel, beauty, and the occasional DIY mishap. She has bylines in Well + Good, Travel + Leisure, Lonely Planet, Domino, and Apartment Therapy, among others. Born in Sydney and now based in Los Angeles, she’s happiest by the ocean, doing a DIY, or binge-watching reality TV with a crochet hook in hand. She’s also the author and illustrator of two children’s books. Find her at @annitakatee.
