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Call it a cautionary tale of modern dating: The “mama’s boy” is an archetype we are warned to avoid. But is that for good reason?
Of course, being close to a parent isn’t inherently a problem, Rachel Sussman, LCSW, a New York City–based therapist and the author of The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce, tells SELF. In fact, “a lot of guys text or talk to their parents every day. That alone isn’t a red flag.” The “mama’s boy,” culturally speaking, is distinct: not just a loving, doting son, but an emotionally stunted man whose bond with his mother seeps into every corner of his life, turning what should be an intimate partnership into a three-person affair.
Here are the biggest warning signs of a mama’s boy to look out for—and what to do if your partner is one.
1. He constantly compares you to his mom.
You cook dinner, and he points out how she does it differently. You mention wanting to quit your job to pursue another dream—starting a business, writing a book—and he reminds you that his mom “doesn’t believe in taking risks without a solid plan.”
At first, these throwaway references might seem relatively harmless, but as Sussman points out, they can subtly reveal who’s really at the center of his world—and who you’ll inevitably be measured up against every single time.
2. He turns to her for comfort instead of you.
Whether it’s a work-related setback, friend group drama, or just a bad mental health day, he doesn’t vent to you about what’s on his mind: He goes straight to his mom.
For the record, being able to communicate openly and vulnerably with your family is a good thing, Dana McNeil, PsyD, LMFT, couples therapist and founder of The Relationship Place in San Diego, tells SELF. But building real intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship involves learning to lean on each other during these tough times. “That’s how couples build trust, security, and resilience,” Dr. McNeil says. Otherwise, you’re stuck in an odd dynamic where his mother is taking on the emotional duties that should belong to a partner, leaving you feeling like a third wheel instead of an equal.
3. He shares every private detail of your relationship with her.
It’s one thing to ask your parents for advice. But it’s another when someone airs every personal detail—about the tiniest points of tension, money matters you prefer to keep confidential, even intimacy issues that should remain in the bedroom.
“You want to be able to trust the person you’re dating,” Sussman points out. “And in order to do so, you’ve got to believe that what goes on between you two stays private”—meaning it’s hard to feel safe and secure when there’s no real sense of “just us” in the relationship.
4. He can’t make basic decisions without her input.
You find the perfect apartment, but his mom doesn’t approve of the neighborhood…which means you have to keep looking. Before a weekend getaway, your partner’s instinct is to get his mom’s take on the best flight deals, hotels, and which bathing suit to pack. Basically, no decision (big or small) can be made without a call home.
According to Dr. McNeil, this hyper-reliance usually stems from blurred boundaries or a lack of independence, even in adulthood. However, it also undermines one of the most important parts of building a healthy relationship: learning to make these shared choices together as a team, just the two of you.
5. He can’t say no to her.
Maybe you’ve asked (politely!) that his mom text before dropping by unannounced. Or that you’d appreciate it if she followed the parenting rules you’ve set for your kids. But instead of hearing you out, a mama’s boy will often hesitate—or worse, turn on you, Sussman says. He may make claims like you “hate his mom” for bringing up a valid critique, or refuse to stand up for you, even when it’s his mother who’s clearly in the wrong.
As tempting as it might be to issue an ultimatum in these scenarios (“It’s me or your mom!”), both experts we spoke with recommend against that approach: Not only do these kinds of demands rarely lead to change, but if anything, you’ll just end up looking like the villain in your strangely Oedipal dynamic.
Instead, focus on open, blame-free communication, both experts suggest. That means calmly explaining why certain topics (like finances or your personal health) should stay between you two, or how his mom’s constant involvement in your wedding planning makes it hard for you to feel prioritized. Ultimately, this isn’t about “hating” his mom—it’s about setting boundaries so your relationship has room to grow on its own. After all, you signed up to build a life with this grown man…not share one with his mother.
Related:
- 5 Subtle Signs You’ve Got a ‘Victim Mentality,’ According to Experts
- Why Guys With Older Sisters Are the Ultimate Green Flag
- 6 Signs You’re Settling, According to Couples Therapists
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